I know that I'm only your sitter for a few weeks, but when I tell you repeatedly to use your puppy pads and you always seem to miss? Don't look so surprised when you hear me raise my voice at the poop I just stepped in. There are so many stray tomcats in this neighborhood, and all of them bigger than you. I will not take you out after dark because my night vision just isn't good enough to keep close watch while I take you out on your leash.
The Big Lady That Cares For You
Spike and Oscar,
I'm sorry I haven't moved you downstairs yet. I fear what the puppy may do to you if I were to move you into an area he's allowed in. What with you being guinea pigs, it's too risky to try. I love you, my boys.
Your Human Mother
I knew something was wrong when you came FLYING up the stairs mewing at us as soon as we got home today. But serious, THE FLY PAPER?!?! WHY did you feel the need to pull it down from the ceiling and get it horribly stuck to your butt and your ENTIRE tail?!?! You KNOW you aren't supposed to be on top of the guinea pig cage and that is the only possible way you could have gotten to it!! And I'm sorry it hurt when I pulled it off, really I am. I didn't enjoy you yowling at me! And trust me I didn't have fun trying to get the adhesive off your ass and tail either babe. Washing a cat down with rubbing alcohol covered wash cloths was NOT my idea of a fun time.
PS-Trying to bite me was really not necessary!
Dear Jazz and Milo,
Why must you silly pigs always drink from your water bottle between the hours of 6 and 8 am? I realize you have to drink, but I do not see the necessity of chewing on your bottle and then shifting it between the metal bars so that it makes a horrendous racket. I would very much appreciate it if you would reevaluate your actions.
Your tolerant owner
X-posted to guinea_pigs
Dear Porthos, my little spastirat,
You are the most enthusiastic, intelligent, energetic ratlet I have ever had. If you would only let me fit the harness properly, I am sure that you wouldn't hate it so much. I know we let you run around without one at home, but when I take you out to conventions, you won't be able to be out without a leash. It sucks, but it is for your safety.
Also, the cats aren't happy when you play tag with them. But we think it is adorable. Esp. since you chase their toys around, often running under them without a care in the world.
Btw, it's now perfectly obvious that you have no problem climbing anything in the house. Now we have to re-rat-proof the living room. Please stop trying to get onto my computer desk, though! Mom can't type with a rat on the keys.
And I am very proud that you found your way up the stairs and back into my bedroom. Stop being mad about the barrier we erected on the stairs. The upstairs in not-rat-proofed, and I don't want you to get stuck in the washer or dryer tube. Cause we both know you would go in there. This is why we stuff towels under the fridge when you are running about.
Oh, hi! You are back from the bookcase? Okay, I'll play with you.
Dear Reno and Vincent,
The reason you now have the cage-mounted feeder is because you guys would knock over your ceramic dishes when they were filled with food and then trample all over it, making your cage dirty about twice as fast as usual.
But please, please, stop eating your new feeder. You have about a dozen chew toys already, you don't need to eat the feeder as well. Not only will it not be able to hold as much real food if you keep eating it, but it's probably bad for you too. That's why I have to take it out after mealtimes now.
I love you guys but you're so silly sometimes!
As much as I love you and your antics, I really, really do not appreciate the golden showers you bestow upon my chest. You should know this by now. While I appreciate your butt wiggling, I still would like some advance notice. I love you, you cute bastard.
Dear Zoey and Dexter,
I appreciate that you both seem to think that my neck is THE spot to lay your weary head down, but the fighting has to stop at some point. I really don't appreciate two piggy heads pressing against my windpipe, along with teeth chattering. I really don't wanna have to give you two another bath.
I know you feel the need to assert your dominance, but is it really necessary to chew the crap out of the litter pan at 2 in the morning? No matter how hard you try to tug it off, it won't come off so please quit it. Also, Dexter doesn't want to be humped. Please stop chasing him around the cage. And when I take him out for his lap time, please don't scream, it is pretty disturbing. And you'll get your lap time too.
Thank you for being such a sweet piggy and not taking Zoey's crap. Please stop eating the poop I put in the litter pan. You are supposed to poop in it, not eat out of it. And I know you can get your butt in there as I've seen you sitting in it while eating hay.
Dear Dexter and Zoey,
I know the cage is a little small but I swear when I move out of my parents house and with daddy you will have an entire room to yourselves. Please hang in there. I promise lots of treats and snuggle time until then, as well as after.
I know that this is a very difficult time in your life. You're having to wait an extra half hour to get your veggies. This is traumatizing, to be sure. I am very sorry about the horrific way you are treated in this
torture chamber four star hotel.
That being said, you have hay and pellets to last you the extra half hour until I make it to the veggies. I think you'll be ok.
Dear Horatio, Nacho and Sportacus..
I know you guys love eachother but please, stop play boxing at 3am and screaming at eachother for the sake of it. you guys have a lot of toys, they cost me a lot of money. stop ignoring them.